Thursday, November 6, 2008

I gotta sell this to somebody

I have these great ideas for movies and TV, but no outlet.
My favorite is Death on the Bruise Cruise, a concept movie based on the Love Boat and Clue, but with a twist. On this cruise, infomercial Gurus and their successful (but not typical) clients are enjoying a mid-pacific journey to cross the International Dateline on New Years Eve, thereby getting two midnights. Between the two, someone gets murdered! But what great subplots that could lead to murder! Tony Little (Gazelle) and Tony Horton (Power 90X) supercompetitive at shuffleboard and at each other's throats; Susan Powter and Denise Austin, haggling over whose videos are teenage boy's favorite late night entertainment; nutcase Mathew Lesko playing nasty pranks on stuffed shirt real estate baron Carlton Sheets; Billy Blanks alternately amused and horrified at Richard get the idea.
So who gets murdered? Here are five popular jerks:
-Skin crawlin' Vince from Shamwow--ick!
-King Paranoid and convcted felon Kevin Trudeau of "things they don't want you to know" fame.
-Never-met-a-product-he-didn't-like Billy Mays--is he yelling or what?
-That creep that interviews "Doctors" about male enhancement and colon cleansing products.
-My personal favorite, "Hanoi Jane" Fonda--a little long in the tooth for those exercise videos anyway.
So who solves the murder? Absolutely: Klee Irwin of Dual-Action Cleanse fame--if he won't play himself, line up Steve Buschemi--it's a lock!!!
I don't know what's sadder--this idea or the fact that I/we know who all these people are...

Some new Reality TV ideas based on misleading titles:
The Bowler: Yeah, he rolls a line at the lanes on occasion, but his main mission is going town to town and making public speeches to bring back men's hats--you know, the bowler, fedora, pork pie, stovepipe, etc. His nemeses are baseball caps and Stetsons. Makes at least as much sense as plumbers hunting for ghosts.
The Key Grip: Not a logistician on a film set--this guy goes from bar to bar challenging only extremely drunk guys to arm wrestle. Vomiting isn't edited out. Awesome!
The Make-up artist: Sure, does carry around some cosmetics, but real mission is to visit quarreling couples and get them to "make up." In the Playboy Channel version, he stays around for the "make-up" sex.
Dude, where the @!#$ is my car?: A crack team of repo men follow Ashton Kutcher everywhere and keep stealing his ride. Extra points if Demi is inconvenienced. Punked!

Well, if you know anybody in "the business," feel free to pitch my ideas; but if anything develops don't forget, I get a percentage!

1 comment:

belleshpgrl said...

You need to cut back on your television consumption. Volunteer somewhere or something, man!